Potty mouthed Dame, Judi Dench has been sensationally singled out for the Chubby Brown speech of the year award by the British Board of Film Classification . This was confirmed as the BBFC announced that every film Dame J swears in has received complaints. This may possibly be entirely coincidental as I have a complaint about everything the actress has been in.
Media mogul and reality talent TV star Simon Cowell is rumoured to be collaborating with Topshop owner Sir Philip Green to form a new entertainment series. Called Scowell's Towels it will focus on the mens locker room mentality of sweaty jocks and Scowell showering together while he protests about his wonky flat-top and poor dress-sense.
Scientists are practically wetting themselves over finding caves on one of Saturns moons. They believe that the caves may contain water, and thus, life. More life that is in their collective waste of carbon. The fact that it is twice the distance from the Sun than our planet seems to have escaped them, but hey, who knows, maybe the lines of orange lights seen recently in the skies over the UK are that very existence, or maybe it's Kate Moss, she looks more like a grey alien than John Major.
Zambian President, Rupiah Banda, while speaking to Journalists was urinated on by a monkey. The president feigned horror and ran off to the loo to 'wash off'. When interviewed, the monkey claimed to have earned 30,000 Zambian Kwacha and a banana for his part in the Golden Shower. Other wild animals roam freely around the grounds of Banda's house, sparking rumours of a bestial frenzy every weekend, as the antelope were spotted smuggling some grass around the rear of the building.
In a shock move, Russian Communists, have turned to Stalin in a bid to find the answer to the World ecomonic problems. The ex Russian ruler, who died in 1953, killed millions of Russians during his reign. I'm quietly pushing Scowell and Cristiano Ronaldo to the front of the queue for 'Ecomonic cleansing'.
In a very boring day surrounding the UK Government, I have dug deep to discover the new Home Secretary David Millibanned, has secretly had surgery to look more and more like Tony Blair every day. He also seems to have several addictions including Heat magazine and stroking wired haired terriers with his elbows. What a strange man.
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