Boffins in Keele University have made the remarkable discovery that swearing helps to relieve pain.
To support this theory we conducted our own tests on the man on the street.
There was indeed plenty of swearing as we drove a van over his fingers and inserted comedy balloon animals into places I wasn't sure existed outside of medical books. We managed to get the best results while running a seperate experiment to see if we could squeeze semen from one testicle. (We let the office junior do this task..)
Australian cricket captain, Ricky 'Punter' Ponting has criticised the alleged delaying tactics of the England team, thinking that ten minutes on the dunny was far too long for a man the size and stature of Monty Panesar.
Blimey Ricky, those grapes, they are sour aren't they?
The digital revolution hasn't been lost on the Royal family as they have now opened a Twatter account, you can see it now: "Queeny:- One is walking the corgis"
Her Maj is currently on eBay, selling some jewellery.
Hold the line caller... the launch of the new telephone directory for mobile numbers has hit somes technical glitches, all blamed on ... the press. They've blamed the press for rushing the launch. You don't see NASA rushing the launch of the Challenger due to the press getting on their back.
Latoya Jackson is still bleating about her brother and the fact that he was murdered, we here heard that he was on the floor for 30 minutes before people realised he wasn't looking for the other glove.
British scientists, being the strong backbone of manly society, hav suggested in a study that a bit of pain during childbirth for women is a good thing. Is it their way of saying, come on girls, stiff upper lip, take it on the chin & all that.
I'd like to see how they'd fair trying to poo a melon, or possible a pineapple if they were black.
In other news, the H1N1 virus, that's swime flu to the rest of us, has finally hit Grimlock Towers, with a member of the reception committee.... erm, team, having a confirmed case. And so, we harken back to the times of old, when men were men, women were women and plague victims were ritually victimised and stoned as unclean... pass the pebbles mate, it's my turn.
Monday, 13 July 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
Foul play badger in windy protest.
LA Police chiefs have announced that they have not ruled out foul play with Michael Jackson, we here at Grimlock Towers know that there was plently of foul play with the 'Prince of Pop', especially when it came to little boys. There has been debate over who should foot the massive $2 million bill for Jacko's memorial service ( where LaToya was mysteriously covering her face..... you never did see them both in the same place ). Our idea would be to claim caastrophic bankruptcy and let the Governemt bail them out, it worked for the banks.....
The UK's Energy Saving Trust has completed a survey identifying the UK's windiest spots. I don't remember them coming into the office here on a Friday afternoon. After a lunchtime of pint and curry I'd expect the wind levels in here are tremendous.
Red-faced scientists are mumbling to themselves in an ashamedly quiet way after getting the estimated date of the World's 'Oldest seeds' wrong by a massive 9,950 years. I'm wondering if they can calculate my bank balance in a similar manner.
Conservation groups have suggested that it's a 15 year high for Rhino poaching, which I consider to be a fair swap. I'm buying my high-powered rifle as we speak, it'll pay for itself in the long run.
It has finally been proved that first man on the Moon and all-american hero, Neil Armstrong could be a bit of a thickie when it comes to financial acumen. It has been suggested that he could be making as much as $1 million a day, but doesn't... now, there's something to tell the Grandkids.
Studies on Monkeys have found that they can recognise bad grammar. Wayne Rooney has put his name down for three and big bag of bananas.
Finally, a drunk and disorderly badger in Germany got hammered on over-ripe cherries and proceded to sit in the middle of the road and refused to budge. Nice to see that the German Badgers can mix it with the big boys too.
The UK's Energy Saving Trust has completed a survey identifying the UK's windiest spots. I don't remember them coming into the office here on a Friday afternoon. After a lunchtime of pint and curry I'd expect the wind levels in here are tremendous.
Red-faced scientists are mumbling to themselves in an ashamedly quiet way after getting the estimated date of the World's 'Oldest seeds' wrong by a massive 9,950 years. I'm wondering if they can calculate my bank balance in a similar manner.
Conservation groups have suggested that it's a 15 year high for Rhino poaching, which I consider to be a fair swap. I'm buying my high-powered rifle as we speak, it'll pay for itself in the long run.
It has finally been proved that first man on the Moon and all-american hero, Neil Armstrong could be a bit of a thickie when it comes to financial acumen. It has been suggested that he could be making as much as $1 million a day, but doesn't... now, there's something to tell the Grandkids.
Studies on Monkeys have found that they can recognise bad grammar. Wayne Rooney has put his name down for three and big bag of bananas.
Finally, a drunk and disorderly badger in Germany got hammered on over-ripe cherries and proceded to sit in the middle of the road and refused to budge. Nice to see that the German Badgers can mix it with the big boys too.
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Van Dyck dance incident frees monkeys.
(.... yaaawwwnn) well, it must be Saturday by now..... Tuesday !!! Where did that weekend go and what happened, what did I miss?
So.. what's happened in the world this weekend while I've been slumbering? Well, I see the greasy Deigo was paraded like a corner-whore around the Bernabau in Mardydrid. He has to be rescued by Spanish police after some of the 80,000 crowd managed to get onto the pitch. Ronaldiddumsio invited several of the more butch ones back in the changing rooms to 'shower down'.
A report suggests that housing here in the UK is not favouring immigrants, I'm now patiently waiting for the 'pro-immigrant' housing committee to start complaining and insisting that more flat-roofed shacks with no electricity or running water are erected to make them more favourable to immigrants. Moving to Sunderland is on the cards for them then.
I managed to watch a film over the weekend with Dick Van Dyke in it, now, far be it for me to suggest anything out of the ordinary happened with their parents, but Dick and our very own Brucie ..... cross Atlantic twins? Neither of them can be in a film or on a show without breaking into dance and both of them had best friends who were Dinosaurs...
It's been noticed here that Prince William has been made a barrister.. with no previouso Law experience, but he's promised not to practise. I think he ought to really, practise makes perfect after all.
The Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square has been turned into 'living art', I like to stand on top of the plinth for an hour, flatulating in the general direction of the government. An awesome use of my time there I think.
Two ambulance crew in Norfolk have been busy auditioning for Monty Python sketch of the year while pronouncing a man dead at the scene of a car crash while the man was still breathing
"This man is dead"
" No.. I'm stil breathing"
" No, you're definitely dead"
"I'm getting better"
" Shut up, you're dead"
"I feel fantastic actually"
"Definitely dead"
After retraining the crew were redeployed to Downing Street in the hope that they'll find some life in Golden brown.
A number of monkeys were on the loose after escaping from their pen whikle being moved at Edinborough Zoo. Police are thought to be looking for a very dull looking Scotsman with greasy hair and one eye in connection with the incident.
So.. what's happened in the world this weekend while I've been slumbering? Well, I see the greasy Deigo was paraded like a corner-whore around the Bernabau in Mardydrid. He has to be rescued by Spanish police after some of the 80,000 crowd managed to get onto the pitch. Ronaldiddumsio invited several of the more butch ones back in the changing rooms to 'shower down'.
A report suggests that housing here in the UK is not favouring immigrants, I'm now patiently waiting for the 'pro-immigrant' housing committee to start complaining and insisting that more flat-roofed shacks with no electricity or running water are erected to make them more favourable to immigrants. Moving to Sunderland is on the cards for them then.
I managed to watch a film over the weekend with Dick Van Dyke in it, now, far be it for me to suggest anything out of the ordinary happened with their parents, but Dick and our very own Brucie ..... cross Atlantic twins? Neither of them can be in a film or on a show without breaking into dance and both of them had best friends who were Dinosaurs...
It's been noticed here that Prince William has been made a barrister.. with no previouso Law experience, but he's promised not to practise. I think he ought to really, practise makes perfect after all.
The Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square has been turned into 'living art', I like to stand on top of the plinth for an hour, flatulating in the general direction of the government. An awesome use of my time there I think.
Two ambulance crew in Norfolk have been busy auditioning for Monty Python sketch of the year while pronouncing a man dead at the scene of a car crash while the man was still breathing
"This man is dead"
" No.. I'm stil breathing"
" No, you're definitely dead"
"I'm getting better"
" Shut up, you're dead"
"I feel fantastic actually"
"Definitely dead"
After retraining the crew were redeployed to Downing Street in the hope that they'll find some life in Golden brown.
A number of monkeys were on the loose after escaping from their pen whikle being moved at Edinborough Zoo. Police are thought to be looking for a very dull looking Scotsman with greasy hair and one eye in connection with the incident.
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
PM's Eye transforms to conquer the world.
Here at Grimlock Towers you may have noticed a lack of daily updates in the last few days. This is because I have been working on my Master Plan to convert myself to be able to transform into Golden Brown's false eye. Then I can start to control the moronic PM from within. I think this plan will be masterful.
Speaking today, Golden claims he is very public about spending. As it happens Golden, so am I, so public in fact that I manage to do my shopping out in the open.
Sticking with politics, I couldn't help noticing the rather unfortunately named Lord Adonis, who, let's just say, doesn't quite live up to his name.
The US has opened a major Afghan offensive. President Obama himself looked through the material and was said to be 'quite impressed' at it's content. We've managed to sneak an exclusive look at this material and I have to say, Donkeys & Goats is definitely not my taste.
Are you Being Served actress Mollie Sugden's Pussy has passed away, the cat is said to be devastated.
Michael Jackson's will has been revealed to have left the Estate to his family, the saloon has gone to the butler and the stationwagon is being traded in for the Governments scrappaage scheme so the family can remember Michael at a private dinner, serving under eights afterwards.
In Scotland, parents are worried about being misled about class sizes. Mostly, they are around 30feet by 40 feet but some are a bit bigger.
Despite their crushing defeat in the 80's over the Falklands, it appears that Argentinians are eventually taking over the world. Greasy, moustached Argentine Ants are forming huge colonies in almost every continent around the globe. Thought to be a by-product of the Falklands War and Argentine genetic testing, these ants are mostly placid with the occasional strop if the Queen can't find any humous. This infestation can be eradicated very simply, tiny nuclear devices.
Simple, effective, deadly. Also helps in ridding your garden of weeds.
Speaking today, Golden claims he is very public about spending. As it happens Golden, so am I, so public in fact that I manage to do my shopping out in the open.
Sticking with politics, I couldn't help noticing the rather unfortunately named Lord Adonis, who, let's just say, doesn't quite live up to his name.
The US has opened a major Afghan offensive. President Obama himself looked through the material and was said to be 'quite impressed' at it's content. We've managed to sneak an exclusive look at this material and I have to say, Donkeys & Goats is definitely not my taste.
Are you Being Served actress Mollie Sugden's Pussy has passed away, the cat is said to be devastated.
Michael Jackson's will has been revealed to have left the Estate to his family, the saloon has gone to the butler and the stationwagon is being traded in for the Governments scrappaage scheme so the family can remember Michael at a private dinner, serving under eights afterwards.
In Scotland, parents are worried about being misled about class sizes. Mostly, they are around 30feet by 40 feet but some are a bit bigger.
Despite their crushing defeat in the 80's over the Falklands, it appears that Argentinians are eventually taking over the world. Greasy, moustached Argentine Ants are forming huge colonies in almost every continent around the globe. Thought to be a by-product of the Falklands War and Argentine genetic testing, these ants are mostly placid with the occasional strop if the Queen can't find any humous. This infestation can be eradicated very simply, tiny nuclear devices.
Simple, effective, deadly. Also helps in ridding your garden of weeds.
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