Monday in Lapland tortured OAP's.

I'll tell you what, I've had a really good weekend, things were looking good when BAM, Monday happened with aplomb.
8 hours spent on the UK's motor highway system yesterday left me with an aching in my cogs and a hole in my cash holder which isn't going to get filled up anytime soon, no thanks to a certain someone.
How some people can sleep at night is beyond me, I think I've been nocturnal for ever.
We're finding it a little ironic that Golden Brown, a man with one eye, is ready to unveil a new policy vision. Here's hoping it's not half-baked and he has the foresight to see where it can go wrong.
Some better news is that the UK is heading for a heatwave, so much so that the weather centre has issued 10 ways to beat the heat, I have one suggestion only, move to Lapland.
Lions form prides to defend their territory against other lions and menacing things, like a street-gang, according to a leading lion expert. Leonard the lion, the expert in question, fielded the Q&A session while his pride roamed the streets of Liverpool feasting on Scousers and mugging old ladies.
New DNA testing techniques are enabling African Americans to trace their roots back to Africa. The American version of the CSA are expected to be licking their collective lips at all the child maintenance they can claim. It has been discovered since this report that American white Supremacist David Duke is in fact related to Mike Tyson. This is completely untrue.
Sticking with Africa, Police have denied Kenya torture claims. "It's ridiculous to suggest that any one Police Force can torture an entire country", suggested Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City, "You'd need at least two forces collaborating together".

Potty mouth urinating cave-dwellers find Stalin

Potty mouthed Dame, Judi Dench has been sensationally singled out for the Chubby Brown speech of the year award by the British Board of Film Classification . This was confirmed as the BBFC announced that every film Dame J swears in has received complaints. This may possibly be entirely coincidental as I have a complaint about everything the actress has been in.
Media mogul and reality talent TV star Simon Cowell is rumoured to be collaborating with Topshop owner Sir Philip Green to form a new entertainment series. Called Scowell's Towels it will focus on the mens locker room mentality of sweaty jocks and Scowell showering together while he protests about his wonky flat-top and poor dress-sense.
Scientists are practically wetting themselves over finding caves on one of Saturns moons. They believe that the caves may contain water, and thus, life. More life that is in their collective waste of carbon. The fact that it is twice the distance from the Sun than our planet seems to have escaped them, but hey, who knows, maybe the lines of orange lights seen recently in the skies over the UK are that very existence, or maybe it's Kate Moss, she looks more like a grey alien than John Major.
Zambian President, Rupiah Banda, while speaking to Journalists was urinated on by a monkey. The president feigned horror and ran off to the loo to 'wash off'. When interviewed, the monkey claimed to have earned 30,000 Zambian Kwacha and a banana for his part in the Golden Shower. Other wild animals roam freely around the grounds of Banda's house, sparking rumours of a bestial frenzy every weekend, as the antelope were spotted smuggling some grass around the rear of the building.
In a shock move, Russian Communists, have turned to Stalin in a bid to find the answer to the World ecomonic problems. The ex Russian ruler, who died in 1953, killed millions of Russians during his reign. I'm quietly pushing Scowell and Cristiano Ronaldo to the front of the queue for 'Ecomonic cleansing'.
In a very boring day surrounding the UK Government, I have dug deep to discover the new Home Secretary David Millibanned, has secretly had surgery to look more and more like Tony Blair every day. He also seems to have several addictions including Heat magazine and stroking wired haired terriers with his elbows. What a strange man.

Bercow superpowers wipe whaling Liverpudlians

Congratulations to Tory MP John Moocow for landing the 'job' as Speaker of the House of Commons. I'm sure it will take him a while to wash the gravy off while he's wallowing in the gravy-train. I still stand by the staff here at the Towers' idea of the Speaker being a member of the public. I get the feeling he is dillusional as he talks about having great responsibility, who is he, Spiderman ?
A sharp-eyed staff writer here has noticed that Harrods owner Mohammed Al-Fayed has backed a residents opposition to a local landfill site. Quoted as saying "no one can take on that financially, I am taking them on though" Pardon? What are you on about man? Apparently the material going into the site is inert and does not produce any gas, unlike Mr Harrods, who produces more verbal flatulence than the average bovine.
RBS are planning to 'refinance' Liverpool FC's £350M of debt, in the current financial climate you have to ask yourself where this money is coming from? the millions of customers who get massive bank charges every month I'll bet. Surely they owe the taxpayer that money back? Can you imagine Chancellor Darling's face when he read this? Considering he looks like Steve Martin on a bad day already, I'd expect his telepathic eyebrows were working overtime to calm him and the rest of the Treasury down. If only is £350m to wipe the town of Liverpool off the map, dirty scouse scumbags.
Maybe an idea for the Government to raise some cash is to promote and heavily tax Whale-watching, although it's been a while since I've seen James Whale, I'm sure he'd be worth watching for five or ten minutes, according to sources, the industry is worth billions.
And finally, there is talk of the annoying grunting at Wimbledon to be punishable during matches, the Umpires have agreed to stop it.

RBS chief runs for speaker game, set & match.

It's been announced that World hunger has hit 1 billion, which happens every day around lunchtime in China, and it's all down to the worldwide recession. This is compounded by the annoucement that the cheif exec of RBS is set to have his pay increase agreed, netting him a whopping £9.6m a year. Give it back you money grabbing greedy git, what the hell are you going spend all that on? A massive pool-party and Max Mosely's stylist? Maybe he could bid on the 46 live games that Setanta cannot afford to broadcast, bidding closes today, so if he gets his skates on as fast as his bank takes charges, he'll be laughing all the way to the... well, work I guess.
Maybe he could be a late runner for Speaker of the House of Commons, the current 9 candidates and Margaret Beckett are all useless, another case of MP backscratching. Personally, I think it would be good for the Speaker to be a member of the public, chosen at random. Could you imagine Rab C.Nesbitt as the speaker? "Order.. Order.. look, I said Shut the fuck up!"
One of the leading candidates, Ann Wiggecombe, has put her case forward with "I shall do a very focussed job" Well, that's alright then, for a minute I was thinking you were going to fall asleep.
We here at Grimlock Towers see that Apple have released another new version of the iPhone, the iPhone 3GS, with the s standing for 'Shit we forgot to include some features..' New software additions include accessibility options for the visually impaired, on a touch screen phone with little or no buttons, and http video streaming, oooh, well with quality additions such as these I'll be rushing to keep my own intergalactic communications device.
Wimbledon started today with the usual hype over which of our inept sportsmen & women would patriotically lift the hallowed prize as we are so often reminded about how long it has been since the last british winner or indeed just how many strawberries are going to be stuffed down the relative throats of the work-shy layabouts who have managed to get time off and go & watch it.
The usual twee debates from the BBC about the weather and whether or not we'll see the new roof over centre court and them managing to squander our license fee on John MacEnroe and Boris Becker. Thanks Auntie Beeb, this Wimbledon malarky is the unwanted Christmas jumper of the summer, if only they'd channel our already extortionate license fee into something a little more worthwhile, like feeding Fern Brittain up again, she's looking a bit thin lately, or The Stig's very own show.

Boyle on the squirrel spots UFO riddled Iranians.

I hear Justice Secretary Jack Straw is open to an Iraq probe, I'll bet he is. You notice how you never see him and the Demon Headmaster in the same place, do you? He told the BBC's Andrew Marr ( who plays guitar) "I'll be more than happy to do it in public" . The mucky monkey.
Britain's Got Talent Star, Susan 'bonkers' Boyle has made her stage comeback after going missing for four shows. Some think she was secretly driving the Ferrari FXX for the BBC TV show Top Gear and many were expecting her to be revealed as The Stig. Rather disappointingly, The Stig was revealed to be a violated squirrel from Basingstoke who needed the money to have the ice cube removed and Susan admitted to attacking an MP in Bournemouth after being returned to Earth by the alien formerly known as Scowell.
There has been gunfire reported in Tehran, which is like saying there's been horses reported at Royal Ascot. Tehran, it's only slightly less likely to have gunfire than Manchester and slightly less likely to have muslims in it than Birmingham.
A Malaysian To-Fu expert has broken his own record for piercing coconuts with his index finger, managing to hole 4 in thirty seconds. The man is now avoided for asking directions and his girlfriend insists on the index finger every single night.
The US record industry has successfully taken a jobless mother of four to court for file-sharing four songs to the tune of $1.9 Million. That is a whole lot of cereal coupons. I'm wondering how the US courts expect the woman, who blames her ex-husband, not surprisingly, to pay this humungous fine. Head of the record industry, and Dr of philosophy, Dr V Inyl , said he expected her to sit in the corner and think about what she'd done.
UK MP's hopeful of landing the plum role of Speaker of the House were left red faced after more allegations of outrageous expenses claims surfaced last night, one MP was alleged to have claimed £50 for a new pair of boxers after they deliberately soiled themselves in public whilst involved in a sex game with Max Mosely and an unnamed squirrel from Basingstoke, who was quoted as needing the cash.

Branson fart in terrorism incident

Now, I have to admit that last night I went to see the new Michael Bay film, I forget the name of it.
All talk was of incredible special effects, fantastic humour and a well written plot with great acting and an awesome director. They weren't bullshitting either. It was an absolute awesome spectacle. Truly gripping from the start. My only disappointment was a complete and total lack Dinobots. Still, nothing is as perfect as my glorious self.
Now, on to more trivial stuff; English Prime Minister, Golden Brown (texture like shit), has suggested the semi-blogging site, Twatter, could have saved some genocide in Rwanda.... how exactly? They don't have electricity in Rwanda, never mind computers and the fact that this happened in the 90's seems to have slipped Golden Brown's (texture like shit mind. What about the Health & Safety aspect? The H&S nanny-state would have the Rwanda genocidists playing with cloth dollies filled with non-allergenic foam and sewn in eyes. The H&S hitlers are out in force in schools in the UK at the moment, insisting on goggles for putting up posters........ with Blu-tack.... the nonsticky sticky stuff! What next? Wax crayons instead of sharpened pencils? All over bubble-wrap suits for children?
Now, NASA are in complete denial regarding their 'mission to get the moon' as an official spokeman, Billy N'mates, is quoted as saying "Moon..? Nah mate, not us, you're barking up the wrong tree there mate. You want NARSER, they sound like us, but aren't us. Have you seen our nice new rocket..?"
The conversation went rapidly downhill from there. In related news, it was reported thate Richard Branson broke new ground on the US rocketplane spaceport, this was misreported. Richard actually broke wind on a US jetplane and was tasered into submission by security forces after it was alleged he launched a chemical attack.
Formula 1 supremo and general deviant, Max Mosely was seen earlier today buying a Prius. When questioned, he admitted that he was in fact a huge fan of the Prius and wanted to see it introduced into F1 next season in place of Ferrari to give it the green factor. I personally accused him of being a money grabbing sexual deviant who gets off on the publicity, then I realised I was right and called him a twat.
Oh, and Transformers 2..... GO SEE IT.... NOW!

Ayatollah farts cause mooning protest.

Ayatollah Khamenei has emerged from his den and blessed the Iranian election result, this after a prolonged session down the pub with Mr Ahmadinejad, speaking on the steps of the Crusaders Ears Mr Ayatollah had this to say, "Get behind him, ... no . seriously, I've farted.... hehehe.. get behind,, oooh, sniff that."
President elect Ahmadinejad declined to comment, through the uncontrollable coughing fit produced by the Ayatollah's divine gas.
Burma's democracy party leader celebrates her 64th birthday, Aung San Suu Kyi was disappointed in her birthday bash turn out though. Looking on the bright side though, at least she gets to retire next year.
World Cup winner Bobby Charlton has described Deigo Gimp's proposed £80 million transfer fee to Real Moneydrid as vulgar. Often misquoted, the Knighted ex-football star was actually describing the Portugese greaseball' s aroma after slapping on the hair product and merkin all over his body. Ronaldo also stank of shit.
Quoted as stating " If you want to be in the race, you have to pay the price", many experts believe Bobby is referring to the Human Race, of which, the organisors confirmed, neither he nor Ronaldo are any part.
Following yesterdays exclusive reveal, right here on Grimlocks, that Nasa were debating on the future of the moon, it looks as if a decision was reached in the early hours and action has moved swiftly into place, as launching from Cape Canaveral this morning was an Atlas V rocket armed with payload designed to smash directly into the moon. Eminent Astro-gazer Patrick Stewart condemmed the attack on the lunar surface in a statement read by his lawyer. "We are opposed to NASA's decision to attack our beloved moon, we shall now moon for the moon, make it so." and proceeded to drop his trousers.
In other news, four reporters and two photographers were treated for shock today at a press conference held on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, three others were arrested for indecent exposure to Dylithium Crystal radiation.

Moon future sparks black box debate.

There are whispers that the missing black box from Air France flight AF447 could be running out of 'signal'. this has sparked a black box debate, personally I think Ride On Time was overrated. It was suggested that they would hold this debate in the hallowed halls of Odin but Odin decided to hold the local Scout group disco there instead.
Which was a shame as on the agenda for the meeting was the EU standard size & shape for a cheese & onion roll.
US Polls have have shown that some Americans have concerns about Obama over key issues, I've seen Obama's keys and I can tell you that they are ok, the Barbie keyring is not to my taste but hey, we're all different. I attempted to ask the keyring what it was like to be hanging from the US presidents belt loop, but it declined to comment. I also find Obama's Fly policy totally acceptable.
Speaking of flying, NASA are heading to the moon again as a panel wieghs it's future, personally, I cannot see how a mere panel can decide the fate of a celestial body. The moon is a huge lump of galactic rock and to have it's existence decided by a panel is downright shocking, I think they should leave the lunar surface alone, or else, or else I'll apply for Belgian citizenship for them.
And finally, in local news, a blind man was mugged in broad daylight, I bet he didn't see that coming.

Jobless in drug related haze scandal.

So the Government in the UK has admitted that the 2.26 Million unemployed is the highest since November, sparking rumours of Maryjoanna usage and bearing in mind that figure also includes some high profile ex-members of Parliament, this is likely to be 100% accurate, for a change, the BBC news site reports.
So I checked out the link to Market data and got a website listing the fruit & veg stall in Eastenders.
Analysts ( are they like anal cysts? ) were getting excited about data, what kind of person gets excited about data, me, I get excited about mundane things, like getting the car back from the garage and leveling small Romainian Townships.... oops, that's my 'other' job.
I see President Obama was pretty up himself after swatting a fly mid-interview, quoted as saying "I got the sucker", I thought Monica Lewinsky left the Oval Office years ago, but not being sure we tracked her down and asked her, " Get fucked" she commented, coming from someone with so much experience in the matter, we took the advice gladly.
Rumours are rife here at Grimlock's garage that Alistair Darling's eyebrows are actually two independant interdimentional beings with the power to control the hearts and minds of all around them. This rumour holds substantial water, especially as it came printed on the side of a bucket. This is demostrated well by his latest statement that the current banking regulations are 'not to blame for the credit crunch', which was closely followed by an admission that he wears ladies underwear to cabinet meetings and has a pet George Peppard lookalike, he loves it when a plan comes together.
The other eyebrow is thought to be behind the latest call to ban child-in-car smoking, I'm not sure about you but I would never let my kids smoke in the car, on the bus, sure, but never in the car.
On a completely different note, the Swiss have managed to dig the world's longest tunnel. Travelling through the Alps, it seems to be in a vain attempt to escape the country but the one thing they seem to have overlooked is the fact that although it's an impressive 35 miles long, it opens out in Switzerland still, better luck next time.

It all begins again...

Here we go then, the football (soccer for you yanks) transfer rumour-mill is cranking up it's gears and all manner of tabloid back-end shenanigans are starting to surface, many of which will undoubtedly come to nothing.
So what does it all mean? One player moves to another club and loses the respect of the previous fanbase while having to justify the monumental price tag. Like Real Madrid, paying £80 Million for Manchester United's winking, whining, prancing deigo, Cristiano Ronaldo. Don't Real know that they can pick up big girls blouses from Primark for a fiver?
So how does this affect the normal working people, the ones who pay the football stars wages in gate receipts? I asked Mr Adam Franks of Chorley.. "Couldn't give a toss really"

How much is one person worth? £80 Million for one man, and I use the term loosley, who can be a stroppy, misfiring, selfish, fake-tanned gimp who, for one or two seasons was the cockiest player in the English Premier League.
I think I'm worth more sometimes.

In other news, after huge protests, violence and a mass of public opinion, Iran has suggested that the 'election' results were only preliminary and are promising a recount. Hands up who thinks the result will be the same? So if public peer-pressure can force a Government into backing down and re-doing something............ Maybe we can force Gordon Brown to Golden Shower over Peter Mandelson, actually, did I say force? I'm voting Alan Carr for the next election, even if he isn't standing. A new camp-cabinet would be awesome, they can all finally come out of the cabinet and be who they've always dreamed of being.

Fayed's oil-slicked.

News is just reaching Grimlocks that 76 year old Egyptian-born Harrods boss Mohamed Al-Fayed has had the right to the oil field under his house in Surrey revoked., shame...
Not content with having the most expensive store in the world.. ever, he feels the need to build his house over the UK's only oil-field and in a further attempt at raking the cash in, decides to have his son followed by the press through Paris tunnels to claim image rights. Terrible.

So, he's estimated to have £900 million in his piggy bank, but he's not allowed to touch it seeing as he's a muslim.

So, what now for the Egyptian asylum-seeker?
Hmm, well he could always appeal to Madonna for sanctuary, she might adopt him if he's lucky, of maybe he could apply for a british passport.
Whatever the future has in store for Al-Fayed, I think he would see this as a definite turning point in his financial life.
He could join the Metropolitan Police, or work for Walls or trot off back to Egypt and in a bizarre quirk of fate, pump some of his obscene fortune into the British economy.

Transformers 2....

Appears to be out on Friday (June 19th) over here in Blighty and I don't appear to be in it again...

Michael Bay, what are you thinking? Get Grimlock on the case and I'll sort this Decep scourge out..

Oh.. hello again by the way, I's forgotten my details again.. I'm a dumbass sometimes.

G