grimlocks double-entendres

Job's tablet overdose

2010-09-17T02:28:00.001-07:00

It's funny being in IT, sometimes I hate the job, other days I love it.

The following made me chuckle, a genuinely frustrated iPad user mailing in for help..
(Names have been changed to protect peoples sanity)

"Hello everyone,

I've tried my best, but unfortunately Steve Jobs doesn't seem to know how to make a piece of kit that isn't impossible to use, or indeed even recognises who actually owns the fucking thing (ie us, not him). But that's a whole other conversation. Don't get me started. The man's a fascist, his company is profoundly evil, and I don't care who you tell.

I'm not in the office tomorrow, so you guys are going to have to work this all out on your own, because I'm stumped, I don't have a company credit card, ipads don't come equipped with any of the software they need... and there you have it. Not my job.

Here's what needs to happen:
" Both ipads need a pdf viewer installed (goodreader apparently is very good).
" 1 of the ipads (on my old desk in the studio) has a couple of location videos, and 4 Company videos already loaded onto it. The other ipad (somewhere in the IT room) needs them loading - the films can be found in the 'films' section of the itunes library on my old mac in the studio, and can be synced easily from there.
" ALL of the content currently in the dropbox needs saving onto the hardrive of both ipads. This can either be done file by file from dropbox. Alternatively the files are on the desktop (file called ipad content) of my old mac in the studio if someone can figure out a means of syncing with an ipad that isn't retarded.
" someone needs to show Billy how to work an iPad... This might well be the toughest task on the list. Biilly, I love you, but let's face it: you're a bit slow. ;-)
" oh, and it all needs doing by 2pm.

And that's it. I might well be in the building in the morning at some point, and I'll be on the end of my phone. As I've said, I've done everything I can bar lobbing the bastards out of the window, but if you feel a pressing need to discuss any of the above with me, please do feel free to call.

Frank, I've cc'd you because I know you have an ipad, and I suspect you might know what you're doing. You usually do. I can only apologise from the very bottom of my heart.

Good luck y'all. Laters,"

I need to point out here that Billy is one of the company directors and the sender of this frustrated rant is one of the managers under his guidance.

The reply from Frank made me giggle more, with the tagline
" "Harddrive"? Oh you're SO nineties :-)
F "

So there you have it, Steve Jobs is the most evil man in the history of computing and Apple don't have a clue. Shame.
Shame actually that we seem to be using a pretend tablet to try to showcase the company, but hey, what are new gadgets to be used for really?

Now, normally I rant on about something topical like the Pope's visit to the UK, but I really can't be bothered. There are so many Pope jokes flying around at the minute I really don't have the time or the inclination to regurgitate them all.

Rushed Twatter post calls Ponting a punt...

2009-07-13T03:49:00.000-07:00

Boffins in Keele University have made the remarkable discovery that swearing helps to relieve pain.
To support this theory we conducted our own tests on the man on the street.
There was indeed plenty of swearing as we drove a van over his fingers and inserted comedy balloon animals into places I wasn't sure existed outside of medical books. We managed to get the best results while running a seperate experiment to see if we could squeeze semen from one testicle. (We let the office junior do this task..)
Australian cricket captain, Ricky 'Punter' Ponting has criticised the alleged delaying tactics of the England team, thinking that ten minutes on the dunny was far too long for a man the size and stature of Monty Panesar.
Blimey Ricky, those grapes, they are sour aren't they?
The digital revolution hasn't been lost on the Royal family as they have now opened a Twatter account, you can see it now: "Queeny:- One is walking the corgis"
Her Maj is currently on eBay, selling some jewellery.
Hold the line caller... the launch of the new telephone directory for mobile numbers has hit somes technical glitches, all blamed on ... the press. They've blamed the press for rushing the launch. You don't see NASA rushing the launch of the Challenger due to the press getting on their back.
Latoya Jackson is still bleating about her brother and the fact that he was murdered, we here heard that he was on the floor for 30 minutes before people realised he wasn't looking for the other glove.
British scientists, being the strong backbone of manly society, hav suggested in a study that a bit of pain during childbirth for women is a good thing. Is it their way of saying, come on girls, stiff upper lip, take it on the chin & all that.
I'd like to see how they'd fair trying to poo a melon, or possible a pineapple if they were black.
In other news, the H1N1 virus, that's swime flu to the rest of us, has finally hit Grimlock Towers, with a member of the reception committee.... erm, team, having a confirmed case. And so, we harken back to the times of old, when men were men, women were women and plague victims were ritually victimised and stoned as unclean... pass the pebbles mate, it's my turn.

Foul play badger in windy protest.

2009-07-10T01:42:00.000-07:00

LA Police chiefs have announced that they have not ruled out foul play with Michael Jackson, we here at Grimlock Towers know that there was plently of foul play with the 'Prince of Pop', especially when it came to little boys. There has been debate over who should foot the massive $2 million bill for Jacko's memorial service ( where LaToya was mysteriously covering her face..... you never did see them both in the same place ). Our idea would be to claim caastrophic bankruptcy and let the Governemt bail them out, it worked for the banks.....

The UK's Energy Saving Trust has completed a survey identifying the UK's windiest spots. I don't remember them coming into the office here on a Friday afternoon. After a lunchtime of pint and curry I'd expect the wind levels in here are tremendous.
Red-faced scientists are mumbling to themselves in an ashamedly quiet way after getting the estimated date of the World's 'Oldest seeds' wrong by a massive 9,950 years. I'm wondering if they can calculate my bank balance in a similar manner.
Conservation groups have suggested that it's a 15 year high for Rhino poaching, which I consider to be a fair swap. I'm buying my high-powered rifle as we speak, it'll pay for itself in the long run.

It has finally been proved that first man on the Moon and all-american hero, Neil Armstrong could be a bit of a thickie when it comes to financial acumen. It has been suggested that he could be making as much as $1 million a day, but doesn't... now, there's something to tell the Grandkids.
Studies on Monkeys have found that they can recognise bad grammar. Wayne Rooney has put his name down for three and big bag of bananas.
Finally, a drunk and disorderly badger in Germany got hammered on over-ripe cherries and proceded to sit in the middle of the road and refused to budge. Nice to see that the German Badgers can mix it with the big boys too.

Van Dyck dance incident frees monkeys.

2009-07-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

(.... yaaawwwnn) well, it must be Saturday by now..... Tuesday !!! Where did that weekend go and what happened, what did I miss?

So.. what's happened in the world this weekend while I've been slumbering? Well, I see the greasy Deigo was paraded like a corner-whore around the Bernabau in Mardydrid. He has to be rescued by Spanish police after some of the 80,000 crowd managed to get onto the pitch. Ronaldiddumsio invited several of the more butch ones back in the changing rooms to 'shower down'.

A report suggests that housing here in the UK is not favouring immigrants, I'm now patiently waiting for the 'pro-immigrant' housing committee to start complaining and insisting that more flat-roofed shacks with no electricity or running water are erected to make them more favourable to immigrants. Moving to Sunderland is on the cards for them then.

I managed to watch a film over the weekend with Dick Van Dyke in it, now, far be it for me to suggest anything out of the ordinary happened with their parents, but Dick and our very own Brucie ..... cross Atlantic twins? Neither of them can be in a film or on a show without breaking into dance and both of them had best friends who were Dinosaurs...

It's been noticed here that Prince William has been made a barrister.. with no previouso Law experience, but he's promised not to practise. I think he ought to really, practise makes perfect after all.
The Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square has been turned into 'living art', I like to stand on top of the plinth for an hour, flatulating in the general direction of the government. An awesome use of my time there I think.
Two ambulance crew in Norfolk have been busy auditioning for Monty Python sketch of the year while pronouncing a man dead at the scene of a car crash while the man was still breathing
"This man is dead"
" No.. I'm stil breathing"
" No, you're definitely dead"
"I'm getting better"
" Shut up, you're dead"
"I feel fantastic actually"

"Definitely dead"
After retraining the crew were redeployed to Downing Street in the hope that they'll find some life in Golden brown.

A number of monkeys were on the loose after escaping from their pen whikle being moved at Edinborough Zoo. Police are thought to be looking for a very dull looking Scotsman with greasy hair and one eye in connection with the incident.

PM's Eye transforms to conquer the world.

2009-07-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

Here at Grimlock Towers you may have noticed a lack of daily updates in the last few days. This is because I have been working on my Master Plan to convert myself to be able to transform into Golden Brown's false eye. Then I can start to control the moronic PM from within. I think this plan will be masterful.
Speaking today, Golden claims he is very public about spending. As it happens Golden, so am I, so public in fact that I manage to do my shopping out in the open.
Sticking with politics, I couldn't help noticing the rather unfortunately named Lord Adonis, who, let's just say, doesn't quite live up to his name.
The US has opened a major Afghan offensive. President Obama himself looked through the material and was said to be 'quite impressed' at it's content. We've managed to sneak an exclusive look at this material and I have to say, Donkeys & Goats is definitely not my taste.
Are you Being Served actress Mollie Sugden's Pussy has passed away, the cat is said to be devastated.
Michael Jackson's will has been revealed to have left the Estate to his family, the saloon has gone to the butler and the stationwagon is being traded in for the Governments scrappaage scheme so the family can remember Michael at a private dinner, serving under eights afterwards.
In Scotland, parents are worried about being misled about class sizes. Mostly, they are around 30feet by 40 feet but some are a bit bigger.
Despite their crushing defeat in the 80's over the Falklands, it appears that Argentinians are eventually taking over the world. Greasy, moustached Argentine Ants are forming huge colonies in almost every continent around the globe. Thought to be a by-product of the Falklands War and Argentine genetic testing, these ants are mostly placid with the occasional strop if the Queen can't find any humous. This infestation can be eradicated very simply, tiny nuclear devices.
Simple, effective, deadly. Also helps in ridding your garden of weeds.

Monday in Lapland tortured OAP's.

2009-06-29T06:04:00.001-07:00

I'll tell you what, I've had a really good weekend, things were looking good when BAM, Monday happened with aplomb.
8 hours spent on the UK's motor highway system yesterday left me with an aching in my cogs and a hole in my cash holder which isn't going to get filled up anytime soon, no thanks to a certain someone.
How some people can sleep at night is beyond me, I think I've been nocturnal for ever.
We're finding it a little ironic that Golden Brown, a man with one eye, is ready to unveil a new policy vision. Here's hoping it's not half-baked and he has the foresight to see where it can go wrong.
Some better news is that the UK is heading for a heatwave, so much so that the weather centre has issued 10 ways to beat the heat, I have one suggestion only, move to Lapland.
Lions form prides to defend their territory against other lions and menacing things, like a street-gang, according to a leading lion expert. Leonard the lion, the expert in question, fielded the Q&A session while his pride roamed the streets of Liverpool feasting on Scousers and mugging old ladies.
New DNA testing techniques are enabling African Americans to trace their roots back to Africa. The American version of the CSA are expected to be licking their collective lips at all the child maintenance they can claim. It has been discovered since this report that American white Supremacist David Duke is in fact related to Mike Tyson. This is completely untrue.
Sticking with Africa, Police have denied Kenya torture claims. "It's ridiculous to suggest that any one Police Force can torture an entire country", suggested Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City, "You'd need at least two forces collaborating together".

Potty mouth urinating cave-dwellers find Stalin

2009-06-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

Potty mouthed Dame, Judi Dench has been sensationally singled out for the Chubby Brown speech of the year award by the British Board of Film Classification . This was confirmed as the BBFC announced that every film Dame J swears in has received complaints. This may possibly be entirely coincidental as I have a complaint about everything the actress has been in.
Media mogul and reality talent TV star Simon Cowell is rumoured to be collaborating with Topshop owner Sir Philip Green to form a new entertainment series. Called Scowell's Towels it will focus on the mens locker room mentality of sweaty jocks and Scowell showering together while he protests about his wonky flat-top and poor dress-sense.
Scientists are practically wetting themselves over finding caves on one of Saturns moons. They believe that the caves may contain water, and thus, life. More life that is in their collective waste of carbon. The fact that it is twice the distance from the Sun than our planet seems to have escaped them, but hey, who knows, maybe the lines of orange lights seen recently in the skies over the UK are that very existence, or maybe it's Kate Moss, she looks more like a grey alien than John Major.
Zambian President, Rupiah Banda, while speaking to Journalists was urinated on by a monkey. The president feigned horror and ran off to the loo to 'wash off'. When interviewed, the monkey claimed to have earned 30,000 Zambian Kwacha and a banana for his part in the Golden Shower. Other wild animals roam freely around the grounds of Banda's house, sparking rumours of a bestial frenzy every weekend, as the antelope were spotted smuggling some grass around the rear of the building.
In a shock move, Russian Communists, have turned to Stalin in a bid to find the answer to the World ecomonic problems. The ex Russian ruler, who died in 1953, killed millions of Russians during his reign. I'm quietly pushing Scowell and Cristiano Ronaldo to the front of the queue for 'Ecomonic cleansing'.
In a very boring day surrounding the UK Government, I have dug deep to discover the new Home Secretary David Millibanned, has secretly had surgery to look more and more like Tony Blair every day. He also seems to have several addictions including Heat magazine and stroking wired haired terriers with his elbows. What a strange man.

Bercow superpowers wipe whaling Liverpudlians

2009-06-23T01:37:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Tory MP John Moocow for landing the 'job' as Speaker of the House of Commons. I'm sure it will take him a while to wash the gravy off while he's wallowing in the gravy-train. I still stand by the staff here at the Towers' idea of the Speaker being a member of the public. I get the feeling he is dillusional as he talks about having great responsibility, who is he, Spiderman ?
A sharp-eyed staff writer here has noticed that Harrods owner Mohammed Al-Fayed has backed a residents opposition to a local landfill site. Quoted as saying "no one can take on that financially, I am taking them on though" Pardon? What are you on about man? Apparently the material going into the site is inert and does not produce any gas, unlike Mr Harrods, who produces more verbal flatulence than the average bovine.
RBS are planning to 'refinance' Liverpool FC's £350M of debt, in the current financial climate you have to ask yourself where this money is coming from? the millions of customers who get massive bank charges every month I'll bet. Surely they owe the taxpayer that money back? Can you imagine Chancellor Darling's face when he read this? Considering he looks like Steve Martin on a bad day already, I'd expect his telepathic eyebrows were working overtime to calm him and the rest of the Treasury down. If only is £350m to wipe the town of Liverpool off the map, dirty scouse scumbags.
Maybe an idea for the Government to raise some cash is to promote and heavily tax Whale-watching, although it's been a while since I've seen James Whale, I'm sure he'd be worth watching for five or ten minutes, according to sources, the industry is worth billions.
And finally, there is talk of the annoying grunting at Wimbledon to be punishable during matches, the Umpires have agreed to stop it.

RBS chief runs for speaker game, set & match.

2009-06-22T04:28:00.000-07:00

It's been announced that World hunger has hit 1 billion, which happens every day around lunchtime in China, and it's all down to the worldwide recession. This is compounded by the annoucement that the cheif exec of RBS is set to have his pay increase agreed, netting him a whopping £9.6m a year. Give it back you money grabbing greedy git, what the hell are you going spend all that on? A massive pool-party and Max Mosely's stylist? Maybe he could bid on the 46 live games that Setanta cannot afford to broadcast, bidding closes today, so if he gets his skates on as fast as his bank takes charges, he'll be laughing all the way to the... well, work I guess.
Maybe he could be a late runner for Speaker of the House of Commons, the current 9 candidates and Margaret Beckett are all useless, another case of MP backscratching. Personally, I think it would be good for the Speaker to be a member of the public, chosen at random. Could you imagine Rab C.Nesbitt as the speaker? "Order.. Order.. look, I said Shut the fuck up!"
One of the leading candidates, Ann Wiggecombe, has put her case forward with "I shall do a very focussed job" Well, that's alright then, for a minute I was thinking you were going to fall asleep.
We here at Grimlock Towers see that Apple have released another new version of the iPhone, the iPhone 3GS, with the s standing for 'Shit we forgot to include some features..' New software additions include accessibility options for the visually impaired, on a touch screen phone with little or no buttons, and http video streaming, oooh, well with quality additions such as these I'll be rushing to keep my own intergalactic communications device.
Wimbledon started today with the usual hype over which of our inept sportsmen & women would patriotically lift the hallowed prize as we are so often reminded about how long it has been since the last british winner or indeed just how many strawberries are going to be stuffed down the relative throats of the work-shy layabouts who have managed to get time off and go & watch it.
The usual twee debates from the BBC about the weather and whether or not we'll see the new roof over centre court and them managing to squander our license fee on John MacEnroe and Boris Becker. Thanks Auntie Beeb, this Wimbledon malarky is the unwanted Christmas jumper of the summer, if only they'd channel our already extortionate license fee into something a little more worthwhile, like feeding Fern Brittain up again, she's looking a bit thin lately, or The Stig's very own show.

Boyle on the squirrel spots UFO riddled Iranians.

2009-06-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

I hear Justice Secretary Jack Straw is open to an Iraq probe, I'll bet he is. You notice how you never see him and the Demon Headmaster in the same place, do you? He told the BBC's Andrew Marr ( who plays guitar) "I'll be more than happy to do it in public" . The mucky monkey.
Britain's Got Talent Star, Susan 'bonkers' Boyle has made her stage comeback after going missing for four shows. Some think she was secretly driving the Ferrari FXX for the BBC TV show Top Gear and many were expecting her to be revealed as The Stig. Rather disappointingly, The Stig was revealed to be a violated squirrel from Basingstoke who needed the money to have the ice cube removed and Susan admitted to attacking an MP in Bournemouth after being returned to Earth by the alien formerly known as Scowell.
There has been gunfire reported in Tehran, which is like saying there's been horses reported at Royal Ascot. Tehran, it's only slightly less likely to have gunfire than Manchester and slightly less likely to have muslims in it than Birmingham.
A Malaysian To-Fu expert has broken his own record for piercing coconuts with his index finger, managing to hole 4 in thirty seconds. The man is now avoided for asking directions and his girlfriend insists on the index finger every single night.
The US record industry has successfully taken a jobless mother of four to court for file-sharing four songs to the tune of $1.9 Million. That is a whole lot of cereal coupons. I'm wondering how the US courts expect the woman, who blames her ex-husband, not surprisingly, to pay this humungous fine. Head of the record industry, and Dr of philosophy, Dr V Inyl , said he expected her to sit in the corner and think about what she'd done.
UK MP's hopeful of landing the plum role of Speaker of the House were left red faced after more allegations of outrageous expenses claims surfaced last night, one MP was alleged to have claimed £50 for a new pair of boxers after they deliberately soiled themselves in public whilst involved in a sex game with Max Mosely and an unnamed squirrel from Basingstoke, who was quoted as needing the cash.

Branson fart in terrorism incident

2009-06-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Now, I have to admit that last night I went to see the new Michael Bay film, I forget the name of it.
All talk was of incredible special effects, fantastic humour and a well written plot with great acting and an awesome director. They weren't bullshitting either. It was an absolute awesome spectacle. Truly gripping from the start. My only disappointment was a complete and total lack Dinobots. Still, nothing is as perfect as my glorious self.
Now, on to more trivial stuff; English Prime Minister, Golden Brown (texture like shit), has suggested the semi-blogging site, Twatter, could have saved some genocide in Rwanda.... how exactly? They don't have electricity in Rwanda, never mind computers and the fact that this happened in the 90's seems to have slipped Golden Brown's (texture like shit mind. What about the Health & Safety aspect? The H&S nanny-state would have the Rwanda genocidists playing with cloth dollies filled with non-allergenic foam and sewn in eyes. The H&S hitlers are out in force in schools in the UK at the moment, insisting on goggles for putting up posters........ with Blu-tack.... the nonsticky sticky stuff! What next? Wax crayons instead of sharpened pencils? All over bubble-wrap suits for children?
Now, NASA are in complete denial regarding their 'mission to get the moon' as an official spokeman, Billy N'mates, is quoted as saying "Moon..? Nah mate, not us, you're barking up the wrong tree there mate. You want NARSER, they sound like us, but aren't us. Have you seen our nice new rocket..?"
The conversation went rapidly downhill from there. In related news, it was reported thate Richard Branson broke new ground on the US rocketplane spaceport, this was misreported. Richard actually broke wind on a US jetplane and was tasered into submission by security forces after it was alleged he launched a chemical attack.
Formula 1 supremo and general deviant, Max Mosely was seen earlier today buying a Prius. When questioned, he admitted that he was in fact a huge fan of the Prius and wanted to see it introduced into F1 next season in place of Ferrari to give it the green factor. I personally accused him of being a money grabbing sexual deviant who gets off on the publicity, then I realised I was right and called him a twat.
Oh, and Transformers 2..... GO SEE IT.... NOW!

Ayatollah farts cause mooning protest.

2009-06-19T02:52:00.000-07:00

Ayatollah Khamenei has emerged from his den and blessed the Iranian election result, this after a prolonged session down the pub with Mr Ahmadinejad, speaking on the steps of the Crusaders Ears Mr Ayatollah had this to say, "Get behind him, ... no . seriously, I've farted.... hehehe.. get behind,, oooh, sniff that."
President elect Ahmadinejad declined to comment, through the uncontrollable coughing fit produced by the Ayatollah's divine gas.
Burma's democracy party leader celebrates her 64th birthday, Aung San Suu Kyi was disappointed in her birthday bash turn out though. Looking on the bright side though, at least she gets to retire next year.
World Cup winner Bobby Charlton has described Deigo Gimp's proposed £80 million transfer fee to Real Moneydrid as vulgar. Often misquoted, the Knighted ex-football star was actually describing the Portugese greaseball' s aroma after slapping on the hair product and merkin all over his body. Ronaldo also stank of shit.
Quoted as stating " If you want to be in the race, you have to pay the price", many experts believe Bobby is referring to the Human Race, of which, the organisors confirmed, neither he nor Ronaldo are any part.
Following yesterdays exclusive reveal, right here on Grimlocks, that Nasa were debating on the future of the moon, it looks as if a decision was reached in the early hours and action has moved swiftly into place, as launching from Cape Canaveral this morning was an Atlas V rocket armed with payload designed to smash directly into the moon. Eminent Astro-gazer Patrick Stewart condemmed the attack on the lunar surface in a statement read by his lawyer. "We are opposed to NASA's decision to attack our beloved moon, we shall now moon for the moon, make it so." and proceeded to drop his trousers.
In other news, four reporters and two photographers were treated for shock today at a press conference held on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, three others were arrested for indecent exposure to Dylithium Crystal radiation.

Moon future sparks black box debate.

2009-06-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

There are whispers that the missing black box from Air France flight AF447 could be running out of 'signal'. this has sparked a black box debate, personally I think Ride On Time was overrated. It was suggested that they would hold this debate in the hallowed halls of Odin but Odin decided to hold the local Scout group disco there instead.
Which was a shame as on the agenda for the meeting was the EU standard size & shape for a cheese & onion roll.
US Polls have have shown that some Americans have concerns about Obama over key issues, I've seen Obama's keys and I can tell you that they are ok, the Barbie keyring is not to my taste but hey, we're all different. I attempted to ask the keyring what it was like to be hanging from the US presidents belt loop, but it declined to comment. I also find Obama's Fly policy totally acceptable.
Speaking of flying, NASA are heading to the moon again as a panel wieghs it's future, personally, I cannot see how a mere panel can decide the fate of a celestial body. The moon is a huge lump of galactic rock and to have it's existence decided by a panel is downright shocking, I think they should leave the lunar surface alone, or else, or else I'll apply for Belgian citizenship for them.
And finally, in local news, a blind man was mugged in broad daylight, I bet he didn't see that coming.

Jobless in drug related haze scandal.

2009-06-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

So the Government in the UK has admitted that the 2.26 Million unemployed is the highest since November, sparking rumours of Maryjoanna usage and bearing in mind that figure also includes some high profile ex-members of Parliament, this is likely to be 100% accurate, for a change, the BBC news site reports.
So I checked out the link to Market data and got a website listing the fruit & veg stall in Eastenders.
Analysts ( are they like anal cysts? ) were getting excited about data, what kind of person gets excited about data, me, I get excited about mundane things, like getting the car back from the garage and leveling small Romainian Townships.... oops, that's my 'other' job.
I see President Obama was pretty up himself after swatting a fly mid-interview, quoted as saying "I got the sucker", I thought Monica Lewinsky left the Oval Office years ago, but not being sure we tracked her down and asked her, " Get fucked" she commented, coming from someone with so much experience in the matter, we took the advice gladly.
Rumours are rife here at Grimlock's garage that Alistair Darling's eyebrows are actually two independant interdimentional beings with the power to control the hearts and minds of all around them. This rumour holds substantial water, especially as it came printed on the side of a bucket. This is demostrated well by his latest statement that the current banking regulations are 'not to blame for the credit crunch', which was closely followed by an admission that he wears ladies underwear to cabinet meetings and has a pet George Peppard lookalike, he loves it when a plan comes together.
The other eyebrow is thought to be behind the latest call to ban child-in-car smoking, I'm not sure about you but I would never let my kids smoke in the car, on the bus, sure, but never in the car.
On a completely different note, the Swiss have managed to dig the world's longest tunnel. Travelling through the Alps, it seems to be in a vain attempt to escape the country but the one thing they seem to have overlooked is the fact that although it's an impressive 35 miles long, it opens out in Switzerland still, better luck next time.

It all begins again...

2009-06-16T05:27:00.000-07:00

Here we go then, the football (soccer for you yanks) transfer rumour-mill is cranking up it's gears and all manner of tabloid back-end shenanigans are starting to surface, many of which will undoubtedly come to nothing.
So what does it all mean? One player moves to another club and loses the respect of the previous fanbase while having to justify the monumental price tag. Like Real Madrid, paying £80 Million for Manchester United's winking, whining, prancing deigo, Cristiano Ronaldo. Don't Real know that they can pick up big girls blouses from Primark for a fiver?
So how does this affect the normal working people, the ones who pay the football stars wages in gate receipts? I asked Mr Adam Franks of Chorley.. "Couldn't give a toss really"

How much is one person worth? £80 Million for one man, and I use the term loosley, who can be a stroppy, misfiring, selfish, fake-tanned gimp who, for one or two seasons was the cockiest player in the English Premier League.
I think I'm worth more sometimes.

In other news, after huge protests, violence and a mass of public opinion, Iran has suggested that the 'election' results were only preliminary and are promising a recount. Hands up who thinks the result will be the same? So if public peer-pressure can force a Government into backing down and re-doing something............ Maybe we can force Gordon Brown to Golden Shower over Peter Mandelson, actually, did I say force? I'm voting Alan Carr for the next election, even if he isn't standing. A new camp-cabinet would be awesome, they can all finally come out of the cabinet and be who they've always dreamed of being.

Fayed's oil-slicked.

2009-06-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

News is just reaching Grimlocks that 76 year old Egyptian-born Harrods boss Mohamed Al-Fayed has had the right to the oil field under his house in Surrey revoked., shame...
Not content with having the most expensive store in the world.. ever, he feels the need to build his house over the UK's only oil-field and in a further attempt at raking the cash in, decides to have his son followed by the press through Paris tunnels to claim image rights. Terrible.

So, he's estimated to have £900 million in his piggy bank, but he's not allowed to touch it seeing as he's a muslim.

So, what now for the Egyptian asylum-seeker?
Hmm, well he could always appeal to Madonna for sanctuary, she might adopt him if he's lucky, of maybe he could apply for a british passport.
Whatever the future has in store for Al-Fayed, I think he would see this as a definite turning point in his financial life.
He could join the Metropolitan Police, or work for Walls or trot off back to Egypt and in a bizarre quirk of fate, pump some of his obscene fortune into the British economy.

Transformers 2....

2009-06-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

Appears to be out on Friday (June 19th) over here in Blighty and I don't appear to be in it again...

Michael Bay, what are you thinking? Get Grimlock on the case and I'll sort this Decep scourge out..

Oh.. hello again by the way, I's forgotten my details again.. I'm a dumbass sometimes.

G

Oooh.. I'm back.

2008-12-10T01:22:00.000-08:00

Well.. I actually managed to remember my login details... memory bank malfunction!
More coming soon...

Technical Help Archive

2007-11-07T03:59:00.000-08:00

Below was started with one email sent from our asset tracker, the rest was a two-way email between myself and another colleague.

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please!

--------------------

Dear user,

We are sorry to hear of your problems using the product Girlfriend 1.0. The developers did not foresee the issues that many have been experiencing with this version of the software.

Our only recommendation would be to purge your system of Wife 1.0 and do not install Mistress 2003, but opt for our new and improved Monastery 2007, complete with complimentary Celibacy 2008. These should resolve all of your problems but you may find a knock on effect of a risk of installing Sorewrist Lifetime Edition

Regards,

Technical support

----------------

Out of curiosity,

Is there a version of Wife 1.x that comes without some of the features such as CleanHouse2005…?

I have a separate version of this installed and it’d may cause conflicts if Wife 1.x decides to rearrange files and utensils.
This may also free up some resources, and time for other applications.
Eagerly awaiting your response,
Some crazy User

---------------------------

Dear User,

There is indeed an application that replicates some of the features of Cleanhouse2005, although not publically available, the software you are looking for is Au Pair French Edition. This performs in it’s own runtime and it matters little if files and tools are moved.

Beware, however, as certain releases of Au Pair French Edition will conflict with certain versions of Wife 1.x, causing sporadic performance issues and outbreaks of Mood.exe that invariably take up far too much processor time and resources.

Regards,

Technical Support

---------------------------

Thanks for the reply Mr Support… or Mrs Support… or Miss/Ms…
Will that require additional Language packs to get working with my current hardware?
Also I’ve heard of a RussianBride 2.0, which is an improvement over 1.0 which did not come with language packs from what I have read in recent reviews. How does this compare to Wife 1.x
Same user

----------------------------

Dear User,

Usually the installation of Au Pair French Edition is supplied pre-translated, so there is little need to install further language packs. There may be the odd dialogue box in a foreign language , but this is usually after an error event such as Stubstoe.exe and can be ignored.

Now, RussianBride 2.0 is an improvement over 1.0 however it still comes with licensing issues such as VISA.dll and IMMIGRATION.bat. In short I wouldn’t recommend it over Wife 1.x because of these issues.
ThaiBride 1.5 should also be avoided due to possible hardware conflicts.
Regards,
(Mr.) Technical Support.

--------------------------------

Dear Sir,

Only mentioned here is the Au Pair French Edition. Am I safe to assume this comes in other Editions?

Also one of my friends had problems with KnockedUp 0.2 recently. And Wife 1.0 became randomly unstable, but nothing was picked up on the Anti-Virus. Are we safe to assume this is normal behaviour?

Mister User

-----------------------------

Dear User,

Indeed, Au Pair does come in other European editions. German (a bit brash), Spanish (Moody), Portuguese (Moody), Dutch (Very bare) and Swedish(Open Source) are all available.

Ah, KnockedUp0.2 is a resource hungry application that develops into the even more resource hungry Nipper 1.001. These two applications have been known to drain the Wallet resource leaving FiscalSecurity.dll stripped bare. Unfortunately this is perfectly normal behaviour, however, beware over-interaction with Au Pair French Edition as this could lead to an installation of KnockedUP.02 and definite conflicts and crashes with Wife1.0

Regards,
Technical support

-------------------------------

I see.

While having resource hungry applications sounds great to me… I think I might recommend my friends start off with Petz 5.0.

From what I understand they are also often compatible with Girlfriend 1.x, Wife 1.x, Mistress 200x, can have some troubles but usually settle down with Nipper 1.x and even Au Pair All Editions, xBride and the rest…

This might be a more sensible option, and while do take up some resources can be less than those listed above.

MiEOW

--------------------------------------
Dear User,

Petz 5.0 can be a cute application, I would advise trying to avoid one that would develop a large installation footprint such as Pony 8.2 or GreatDane 6.

Most Petz apps are compatible with the apps you’ve listed, there can be the odd erroneous incompatibility, however, watch out for small executables such as Kickthedog.sys and throwthecatoutatnight.dll as these tend to crop up from time to time and can cause other issues such as Sulk.exe and Row.bat.

We hope this helps and good luck in your quest for a compatible and stable program suite, as it can be an arduous and time consuming quest.

Regards,
Technical Support

Me back, better than ever.

2007-05-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed just lately, if you have been to the cinema, some trailers for a rather great looking new flick from Michael Bay. At least it had better be good as some fans have been waiting over 20 years for a live action Transformers movie. It's out later this year and the trailers make it out to be looking good so far.

In fact the trailers are so good I find myself having to watch them in the vicinity of some tissues in case I cream my pants again when watching it.

I wasn't too sure when I saw the first designs for the Robots In Disguise, but they've slowly grown on me and from the glimpses I've seen in mid-transformation I'd say this is going to be a hell of a movie.

The original voice of Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen, is signed up to voice Optimus once more and Hugo Weaving is speaking for Megatron. The one disappointment is that they couldn't get Frank Welker, the original Megatron, to do this. Contractual obligations, wage demands or as the producers put it, his voice 'just didn't fit the look for the new Megatron'? You decide.

Ah well.

I'll be there when it hits the cinemas some time late June, early July in the UK.

As with previous posts to this blog, there is a 'viral campaign' theme to this post.

http://sectorseven.org should get you a log in page, enter byebyepowers in the field to activate a hidden site with a preview trailer and everything.. cool stuff as it gives a little background on the storyline too.

The new Grimlock is pictured above from the site, great huh?

Parepin, Ricin, and the Year Zero affair.

2007-03-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems to have alot of the web community interested, I've just spent the last 2 and a half hours looking it up and it has me hooked too.. what could it be? Nine Inch Nails viral marketing campaign for their forthcoming new release, 'Year Zero' is in full swing. Cryptic tour shirt messages, key drives left in concert venue loos, a multitude of hidden websites and a mysterious 'Presence' like the hand of god, http://www.iamtryingtobelieve.com hinted in the above video trailer snapshot, you can just make this out in the passing signpost then the trailer goes all wobbly and the second image happens

Scary stuff, but this is constantly referenced in all mannder of sites including the ninwiki entry.

Trent and the marketing team have put an extraordinary amount of work into this and it has to be the internet event of the year so far. Just enough clues to get you hooked yet not enough to be able to figure it all out yet.

Add that to their upcoming tour event in my hometown on Saturday (not that I'm excited or anything you understand) make this an exciting weekend for me personally. I may even write a show review, if you're lucky.

Official: Gullible has been removed from the dictionary.

2007-02-28T05:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it has if you beleive the sounds coming from the vicinity of Titanic Director, James Cameron anyway.
He claims to have discovered the 'Tomb and coffins of Jesus Christ, Mary Magdelene and their offspring son.'
Yeah, of course you have James, and I floated here on Noah's Ark after scaling Mount Olympus to talk to Zeus about the possibililty of Life in Leonardo DiCaprio.
The sciency bit claims to have sampled the DNA from the coffins to determine a probability tht it might be Jesus' tomb. There was also an Aramaic inscription on the coffin with Jesus' name on it.
So, some first century marketing ploy maybe, 'Come and see the tomb of Jesus, look it's his alright, it's got his name on it and everything.....' Seriously though, what kind of DNA comparision can they make with modern day people? they can hardly call his folks for a sample can they?
"Hi, GOD?"
"Yes?"
"Yeah, this is the Jeffersonian, listen, we think we may have found the tomb of your boy Jesus and we wondered if we could take a swab for some DNA comparisons?"
"Um - sure"
"Cool, is 3 ok for you? maybe later, you might have to be somewhere, I dunno"
"uh, no, 3 is ok for me"
"Cool, see you later then."
"Um, yeah, thanks"

Sky Vs VirginMedia - Seconds out....Round 1

2007-02-24T14:08:00.000-08:00

So, Virgin and Sky are having a few handbags.. is this a PR exercise for Mr.Branson? Is this Mr. Murdoch trying to flex his global corporate muscle? Does anybody really give a toss? Virginmedia tell Sky that they want to offer their customers the best VFM and will not pay any more for Sky's overpriced rehashed channels, Sky have a hissy and take their ball home, or was it a case of Sky,"We need to fund the Premiership and the other football contracts as well as the humungous amount we paid for tripe such as Lost, here's our bill for the next contract for you to have the priviledge of showing our channel and subjecting your viewers to adverts every 10 mintues and the MOST ANNOYING ADVERT 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE END OF THE EPISODE!!!."
VirginMedia, "WHAT THE F*%$ ??, screw that, why can't we decide when we have the adverts, when we show programs and when and where we show the re-run?"
Sky," That's never goning to happen. Look, you PAY for the priviledge of showing our propaganda.... er programs and we'll worry about the ad side of thing (and get all the profits, heh heh)"
Virginmedia, " Piss off Murdoch, you shister"

Ah, the mind boggles.

Has anyone seen.....

2007-02-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

... my brain? I had it in here a while ago but I seem to have mislaid it. I know I popped it down somewhere but I'm a pile of rusty grommits if I can remember where.
Don't we all have days like this? You potter around looking for the thing you're meant to be doing for the rest of the day? Take this post for example, here I am sitting at home, bashing the .......... laptop (Phew, a close one) wondering what to go on about. "Get on with it!" -Ah shut the hell up.
Don't you just loathe Pubes? They get everywhere, they're perpetually seeking all forms of soap and manage to turn up in just about every foodstuff. If there was a God, I bet they're completely bald and gave us these carotine demons to haunt our waking lives. All credit to those who wax, get 'em off for crying out loud. Trap them within that sticky Veet and never let them fester in your plughole. Trust me, catch one the nutsack ones at your peril.

Well grimlock's is finally open for business

2007-02-23T06:21:00.000-08:00

A forum, a forum, my kingdom for a forum.
Me Grimlock finally got own Blog. 'Bout time me got a place to vent anger too.
Me tell you what me sick of, me sick of.... everything.... apart from me.